February
Celtic arrive at Headingley with only nine players eligible to play in the season opener live on SKY. As a last resort to screen the game and not put the sport into disrepute, Celtic recruit a wide range of eligible players who haven't been affected by the eagerness of the Home Office to prevent overseas players getting UK visas. A list of these include Jonathon Davis, John Bevan, Griff Rhys-Jones, Huw Edwards, Rob Brydon and Stevo. Attempts to resurrect Warrington club legend, Dai Davies, are unsuccessful.
In the build up to the World Club Challenge, Manly coach Des Hassler accidentally picks up the wrong set of notes in preparation for a press conference ahead of the big game the following month. Instead of saying he is "confident of winning the match" and "preparation couldn't have been better", he reads out a list of reasons why Manly have lost the match before it has even kicked off. A small selection of excuses include "its too cold", "we were unprepared", and my personal favourite "half the squad didn't have a visa to enter the UK".
March
Ashley Klein is appointed one of two referees in charge of Cronulla Sharks' opening game of the NRL season. Ricky Stuart praises both referees despite losing 22-23, and the drop goal not even passing in between the posts in the final second of extra time.
Toulouse open their Championship season with a comfortable win over other Super League licence rejectees, Widnes, at The Stobart Stadium. The away fans begin to taunt the home fans by singing popular terrace chants such as "Super Ligue, vous rencontrez un éclat de rire", "Petite ville de Runcorn" and "nous pouvons vous voir furtivement à." God bless the French sence humour.
April
The RFL announce the Challenge Cup fifth round draw will be in Leeds and broadcast live on the BBC. This is despite reports circulating afterwards in newspapers and on the web that reporters and other broadcasters were locked in a steel cage guarded by several hungry tigers, a moat of viscous sharks and a pissed up Ray French, in between the times the draw was actually made and when it was broadcast. Neil Barker of the Manchester Evening News uses the time to ponder his future in journalism, and completes a life long ambition to become a hair dresser.
The Easter Bunny makes a welcome early appearance for a certain class of people ahead of the Good Friday clash between Wigan and St Helens. Unfortunately, Dave Wheelan double books The JJB Stadium and at the expense of Rugby League, it becomes the first venue to host the 'World Fattest Hooker' competition. The RFL agree the winner out of Keiron Cunningham and Mark Riddell will take the two Super League points back home to their respective clubs.
May
Murrayfield Magic is hailed as a success by The RFL despite a total attendance of 8,373 over two days. As the weekend progresses, the pitch becomes more unplayable thanks to Scotland's traditional Bank Holiday weather. Before the final match, Warrington coach, James Lowes, agrees to let his players run out in camo gear and a paintball gun before fighting in the trenches dug up by the Catalan side as they tried to surrender in the preceding game against Leeds.
Wayne Bennett is unable to mastermind another win for New Zealand as the World Champions go down in the annual Anzac Test in Brisbane. Stephen Kearney refuses to blame referee, Steve Ganson, in the after match press conference but is eventually sacked by the NZRL after an aggressive outburst towards Mr Ganson in a hotel lobby, as witnessed by several RLIF and ARL officials.
June
Due to the success of Murrayfield Magic, The RFL announce there will be a new team from Scotland being brought into the Championship 1 league for 2010. Nigel Woods says, "The team will be based in the Isle of Lewis and will be made up of anyone we can find that might have the characteristics of a Neanderthal." Surprisingly, traditionalists fans are supportive of the idea as it the one ground in the country that stays in winter all year round. As a result, rumours begin to circulate that multi-billionaire, Kris Kringle, is attempting to form a club in in the Lapland region of Finland.
Exiled-Kiwi, Sonny Bill Williams finally attempts to break his contract with French rugby union side, RC Toulonnais. Despite being linked with Catalan, Toulouse and the rest of Super League, Williams signs for French Elite Two Championship side, Montpellier Red Devils. Several days later, Williams deserts his new club and moves back to New Zealand just in time for when the New Zealand government pass a law to bring back capital punishment for treason.
July
The Northern Rail Nines competition is a surprising success as the attendance is actually higher than in the Northern Rail Cup final itself. York City Knights take the inaugural crown but the trophy is sold to an Polish prostitute working in one of Blackpool's back streets. When asked about the whereabouts of the trophy, an unknown player is quoted saying, "It'll have been melted down and used as a silver g-string by now. If you'd have seen the woman, you wouldn't want it back."
The NRL abandon the two referees system in an emergency meeting after New South Wales win the State of Origin series after a penalty was incorrectly awarded to NSW. In a statement, Colin Love said, "It is unacceptable that a sporting match should be the subject of such controversy. Referees should not make mistakes and should therefore be the subject to a week in the stocks before being let free again. Its either that, or sending them to England like we did with Ashley Klein. Having said that, he didn't half screw us over in the World Cup."
August
The RFU announces that from the 2009/10 season it will be using a top six play off system to decide the winners of its top flight league. An RFU spokesman says, "We developed this highly exciting system to extend the competition by just a few weeks to give the fans a tense end to a long campaign. The play off system, as developed by the bosses at Twickenham (!), will see the top two teams given a rest for a week while the remaining four will go through a process of elimination to find out who will face the loser of the top two. The winner of that game will face the other top two side in the final. England coach, Martin Johnson says, "This is a totally original format that has never been used before. I can't believe how smart the people I work with are. They invented the Video Referee, they invented professionalism in rugby and now they have come up with this. Its remarkable."
The Challenge Cup final is put under threat by a freak blizzard, which is in contrast to the previous years final where the temperature was over 30 degrees. York City Knights eventually win the cup, but refuse to comment when asked by a reporter about its whereabouts the day after the final.
September
Paul Wellens, Ade Gardner, Leon Pryce, Rob Burrow, Kevin Sinfield and Danny McGuire all announce their retirement of international Rugby League effective immediately as the build up to the inaugural Four Nations begins. All six players site their reason as "focusing on club rugby" and refuse to attend a warm up camp set up by the RFL as a bonding exercise. Leon Pryce announces he is taking his off season holiday on Sydney's Bondi Beach.
Cronulla win the Minor Premiership in the NRL and things look promising for Ricky Stuart's side ahead of the finals. Unfortunately, being Cronulla, they lose to Souths in the Qualifying Final and then again to Penrith in the following game. Ricky Stuart is sacked after publically blaming the same referee for both losses.
October
Manly win the NRL for the second year in a row defeating opponents, Melbourne. St Helens also lose to Leeds for the third time in a row at Old Trafford. St Helens Chairman, Eamonn McManus (who was against the change in play off format), requests that the play off format be changed on an annual basis until Saints finally win Super League.
Mick Potter is deported from the UK less than 24 hours after his sides loss in the Grand Final due to an unsuccessful visa re-newal.
November
St Helens recruit legendary player, Tom van Vollenhoven as head coach for 2010. Brian Noble is finally sent off the Wigan Mental Instutute for thinking he can ever win anything with Wigan, while Keith Senior marries his year long girlfriend from Australia.
France finish above England in the Four Nations while New Zealand defeat Australia in the final. Rumours begin to circulate the Wayne Bennett cracked a smile.
In the build up to the World Club Challenge, Manly coach Des Hassler accidentally picks up the wrong set of notes in preparation for a press conference ahead of the big game the following month. Instead of saying he is "confident of winning the match" and "preparation couldn't have been better", he reads out a list of reasons why Manly have lost the match before it has even kicked off. A small selection of excuses include "its too cold", "we were unprepared", and my personal favourite "half the squad didn't have a visa to enter the UK".
March
Ashley Klein is appointed one of two referees in charge of Cronulla Sharks' opening game of the NRL season. Ricky Stuart praises both referees despite losing 22-23, and the drop goal not even passing in between the posts in the final second of extra time.
Toulouse open their Championship season with a comfortable win over other Super League licence rejectees, Widnes, at The Stobart Stadium. The away fans begin to taunt the home fans by singing popular terrace chants such as "Super Ligue, vous rencontrez un éclat de rire", "Petite ville de Runcorn" and "nous pouvons vous voir furtivement à." God bless the French sence humour.
April
The RFL announce the Challenge Cup fifth round draw will be in Leeds and broadcast live on the BBC. This is despite reports circulating afterwards in newspapers and on the web that reporters and other broadcasters were locked in a steel cage guarded by several hungry tigers, a moat of viscous sharks and a pissed up Ray French, in between the times the draw was actually made and when it was broadcast. Neil Barker of the Manchester Evening News uses the time to ponder his future in journalism, and completes a life long ambition to become a hair dresser.
The Easter Bunny makes a welcome early appearance for a certain class of people ahead of the Good Friday clash between Wigan and St Helens. Unfortunately, Dave Wheelan double books The JJB Stadium and at the expense of Rugby League, it becomes the first venue to host the 'World Fattest Hooker' competition. The RFL agree the winner out of Keiron Cunningham and Mark Riddell will take the two Super League points back home to their respective clubs.
May
Murrayfield Magic is hailed as a success by The RFL despite a total attendance of 8,373 over two days. As the weekend progresses, the pitch becomes more unplayable thanks to Scotland's traditional Bank Holiday weather. Before the final match, Warrington coach, James Lowes, agrees to let his players run out in camo gear and a paintball gun before fighting in the trenches dug up by the Catalan side as they tried to surrender in the preceding game against Leeds.
Wayne Bennett is unable to mastermind another win for New Zealand as the World Champions go down in the annual Anzac Test in Brisbane. Stephen Kearney refuses to blame referee, Steve Ganson, in the after match press conference but is eventually sacked by the NZRL after an aggressive outburst towards Mr Ganson in a hotel lobby, as witnessed by several RLIF and ARL officials.
June
Due to the success of Murrayfield Magic, The RFL announce there will be a new team from Scotland being brought into the Championship 1 league for 2010. Nigel Woods says, "The team will be based in the Isle of Lewis and will be made up of anyone we can find that might have the characteristics of a Neanderthal." Surprisingly, traditionalists fans are supportive of the idea as it the one ground in the country that stays in winter all year round. As a result, rumours begin to circulate that multi-billionaire, Kris Kringle, is attempting to form a club in in the Lapland region of Finland.
Exiled-Kiwi, Sonny Bill Williams finally attempts to break his contract with French rugby union side, RC Toulonnais. Despite being linked with Catalan, Toulouse and the rest of Super League, Williams signs for French Elite Two Championship side, Montpellier Red Devils. Several days later, Williams deserts his new club and moves back to New Zealand just in time for when the New Zealand government pass a law to bring back capital punishment for treason.
July
The Northern Rail Nines competition is a surprising success as the attendance is actually higher than in the Northern Rail Cup final itself. York City Knights take the inaugural crown but the trophy is sold to an Polish prostitute working in one of Blackpool's back streets. When asked about the whereabouts of the trophy, an unknown player is quoted saying, "It'll have been melted down and used as a silver g-string by now. If you'd have seen the woman, you wouldn't want it back."
The NRL abandon the two referees system in an emergency meeting after New South Wales win the State of Origin series after a penalty was incorrectly awarded to NSW. In a statement, Colin Love said, "It is unacceptable that a sporting match should be the subject of such controversy. Referees should not make mistakes and should therefore be the subject to a week in the stocks before being let free again. Its either that, or sending them to England like we did with Ashley Klein. Having said that, he didn't half screw us over in the World Cup."
August
The RFU announces that from the 2009/10 season it will be using a top six play off system to decide the winners of its top flight league. An RFU spokesman says, "We developed this highly exciting system to extend the competition by just a few weeks to give the fans a tense end to a long campaign. The play off system, as developed by the bosses at Twickenham (!), will see the top two teams given a rest for a week while the remaining four will go through a process of elimination to find out who will face the loser of the top two. The winner of that game will face the other top two side in the final. England coach, Martin Johnson says, "This is a totally original format that has never been used before. I can't believe how smart the people I work with are. They invented the Video Referee, they invented professionalism in rugby and now they have come up with this. Its remarkable."
The Challenge Cup final is put under threat by a freak blizzard, which is in contrast to the previous years final where the temperature was over 30 degrees. York City Knights eventually win the cup, but refuse to comment when asked by a reporter about its whereabouts the day after the final.
September
Paul Wellens, Ade Gardner, Leon Pryce, Rob Burrow, Kevin Sinfield and Danny McGuire all announce their retirement of international Rugby League effective immediately as the build up to the inaugural Four Nations begins. All six players site their reason as "focusing on club rugby" and refuse to attend a warm up camp set up by the RFL as a bonding exercise. Leon Pryce announces he is taking his off season holiday on Sydney's Bondi Beach.
Cronulla win the Minor Premiership in the NRL and things look promising for Ricky Stuart's side ahead of the finals. Unfortunately, being Cronulla, they lose to Souths in the Qualifying Final and then again to Penrith in the following game. Ricky Stuart is sacked after publically blaming the same referee for both losses.
October
Manly win the NRL for the second year in a row defeating opponents, Melbourne. St Helens also lose to Leeds for the third time in a row at Old Trafford. St Helens Chairman, Eamonn McManus (who was against the change in play off format), requests that the play off format be changed on an annual basis until Saints finally win Super League.
Mick Potter is deported from the UK less than 24 hours after his sides loss in the Grand Final due to an unsuccessful visa re-newal.
November
St Helens recruit legendary player, Tom van Vollenhoven as head coach for 2010. Brian Noble is finally sent off the Wigan Mental Instutute for thinking he can ever win anything with Wigan, while Keith Senior marries his year long girlfriend from Australia.
France finish above England in the Four Nations while New Zealand defeat Australia in the final. Rumours begin to circulate the Wayne Bennett cracked a smile.
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